"True Writers"

I spend entirely too much time on writing forums. Frequently, new writers trying to define themselves in relation to their writing pop up. The endless quest for identity and the re-mapping that comes from new interests leads entirely too frequently to discussions of what makes a 'true writer' or a 'real writer' or what differentiates a writer from an author.


Sometimes, I feel the need to contribute concrete instructions to discussions that have become murkily existential. Thus, my recipe for a True Writer:

• 3ccs unicorn blood
• 3L bourbon
• 300mg of Diazepam
• at least one quill pen for every day of the week (only crow feathers may be used if completing recipe on the new moon; any will do at other phases)
• 200mL India Ink
• 1 dragon placenta (whole)

Crush the Diazepam and mix well with the India Ink and unicorn blood. Heat to precisely 333K in a copper saucepan. Exceeding this temperature will result in Romantic Poets; falling short results in postmodern photographers. A candy thermometer is recommended.

Remove from heat and slowly stir in the bourbon with a wooden spoon (not olive wood under any circumstances).

When mixture has turned blue, fill quill pens with mixture and carefully insert them into the dragon placenta. Do not spill.

When mixture has all been transferred, bury the placenta on unconsecrated ground. Cook for 30 minutes.

Serves 4 as main course, up to 8 if used as a genre writer.